Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
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CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Denise please return my vape pen
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.