Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
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When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.