Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
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Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
What the hell happened here.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.