Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
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“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick