School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
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Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
This is my favorite one of these!
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it