Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
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I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
any last words?
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
whenever i wake up before my alarm
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?