birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
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Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Noah was an idiot.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
constantly working on myself.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.