[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
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Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding