<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
You Might Also Like
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Ron is short for Aaronald
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.