JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
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waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.