[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
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[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.