Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
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you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
More like Kate Missington.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
White parent Vs Arab parents
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’