The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
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I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her