“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
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Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
2022 be like
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT