someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
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Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
girls literally only want one thing..
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Breakfast for Stoners:
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven