After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
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Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Canadian owl: Eh?
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
me hooking up with my ex
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
worst…sale…ever
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.