gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
You Might Also Like
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather