My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
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Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Genius idea!!
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
#Caturday
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”