Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
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Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
“HELP WITH CAT”
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Thank you corporation very cool
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
How actors in movies eat their food