For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
You Might Also Like
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen