Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
You Might Also Like
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run