Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
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I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions