If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
You Might Also Like
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Look at this
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”