For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
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[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up