chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
You Might Also Like
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
new record!
I’d use my best pan on you.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.