Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
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Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Are you ok, human???
We’ve come full circle
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t