DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
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People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
It’s actually Dr. whatever
No. He’s not coming out to play
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”