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Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.