If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
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*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.