Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
You Might Also Like
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
*offers Batman cough drops*
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity