“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
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Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.