Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
You Might Also Like
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling