Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
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Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.