Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
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[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
I don’t make the rules sorry
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set