*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
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[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
is this meant to deter me
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.