I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
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♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.