I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
You Might Also Like
Mmmm. Shoeshi
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
new shirt idea
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
This is a bad sign
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.