Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
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I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open