What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
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Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.