i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
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As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun