Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
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[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?