I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
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Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
My brain is a bad influence on me
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now