I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
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I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived