if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
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Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
What?
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn