[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
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There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Adultry does not sound fun at all
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
LOOOOOOL
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.