Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
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Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Easy enough.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber