If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
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‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions