Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
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While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
look at me when i’m typing to you
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?