Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
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Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*