Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
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This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Godspeed, John Glenn
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me